2014 I finally started my blog. A few weeks later, I read the blog is dead. Gone the way of newspapers, all but the best shopping malls and jeans without at least some stretchy in them. This made me laugh; I had started my blog in 2009, written one entry and then suffered from laziness and writer’s block for 4 years. How typical that I would finally get into something once it is passé. I have been enjoying my ghost blog regardless. With no one reading I am free to be as over the top with sentiment, silliness and rants as I want. It is the diary I always tried to keep but would loose 6 pages in. I tend to start a lot of things and there are very few I actually stick with. So sticking with this for a year is probably the first commitment I have ever kept to myself. I am sure my poor OCD husband would be happier if I could keep the pantry or closet clean for a year. In fact, I am not popular when discovered curled up writing while two days of dishes sit in the sink. Thank goodness a New Year approaches, I have a plethora of goals from which to choose.
For this year however at least one goal was met and since my word for the year was create, hooray! I created something. Create was a very ambitious word for me. I knew at the end of the year my mind would be more focused on the things I did not create. And there are of course plenty. I wanted to do more art. I think I did one puny little picture all year. I wanted to actually learn to sew and spend hours of quality time creating outfits and doll clothes for the girls. I did not create one of these things and I continue to be scared to death of my sewing machine. I wanted to cook exciting meals (I stuck with the basic 10 and ventured out only once to cook something in my tagine). I had grand plans of sending out Christmas cards. That plan has now turned into hopefully getting out happy New Year cards, which will turn into Valentine’s wishes of love to my friends. I already have a cleaning coach and Personal Trainer. I may need to have a seasonal person standing behind me poking me in the head with a ballpoint pen to get me to do cards. I could go on and on listing everything I meant to create BUT, I have a lovely group of friends who would be saying, “Tisk, Tisk, stop that and focus on what you did create.” And of course they are right.
So, in January I wrote a short story that was fiction. I had never done that before. I didn’t think it was in me. No, I did not do this on my own, I did it for a writing group I am in and it was great fun. So this year thanks to the writing group I wrote a love story and a ghost story and did a few writing exercises. I was completely surprised by the fact my middle age brain could go in a different creative direction.
Speaking of my brain, I also spent time this year trying to create some quiet there by meditating. I am a horrible meditator. I kept bombing at it. I thought geeze, it is only 5 minutes a day Jeanette, you can do this. Well apparently no, I cannot do 5 minutes. Luckily when Melissa had our meditation group bump up to 20 minutes I learned that it actually takes my brain 5 minutes just to stop and get over itself. The next 15 minutes are great so hooray! I was finally able to create quiet. Sometimes.
I don’t know if it had to do with meditating or what but probably the best thing I created all year was a new since of happiness in my marriage. This is one of those things that cannot be faked. It has to come from some true place. I am so thankful that my brain stopped picking at all the things it saw as being wrong in my marriage and started enjoying all the things that are right. Part of the issue was not seeing myself as a frumpy old troll. I got some high heels. Really obnoxious over the top five or 6 inch heels that could result in a broken ankle, leg or hip if I walk on anything other than a very flat non slippery surface. I don’t care. I look fabulous standing in them, even if I am holding on to the wall for dear life. I chemically altered my hair into submission and thanks to Melissa and Felicia, got my ass moving twice a week off the couch. This was the year I realized I am as young as I will ever be so I need to enjoy it and stop feeding the idea that women in their forties are as alluring as spiders.
One of the things I really fought creating this year was a new GS troop. I loved our troop last year in Richardson at the old school. Even though it was completely unfeasible to keep it up this year, I really wanted to. Since I couldn’t, I pouted. I just wanted to stick the girls in two existing troops. For Lauren, this worked out fine. For Helen, no luck; so in October I gave in and started a troop. I have decided this is hard, stressful, a lot of work and it is usually one of the highlights of my week. These girls are so delightful. One week Julia walked up to me, “Ms. Jeanette, I have an idea about our meetings. We can meet everyday of the week but Monday and Wednesday because I have other activities.” She likes our meetings so much that she would meet 3 days a week. At that moment I realized if I created nothing else all year long, creating joy would be enough. Joy for these kids. Joy for my kids, my parents, my husband, my friends, myself. Creating joy and love. And I usually do not create on my own. My most creative moments are either with other people or because of other people. It took me so long this year to get the most important aspects of my word that I am tempted to repeat it next year. But another word has already tapped me on the ear. What I have noticed is just because the year ends the word doesn’t. I still find myself savoring, trying to be kind and wanting to grow. Hopefully create will stick with me and flow a little easier if I continue to pay attention to it. As for my dead blog, of course I will continue writing here. For one I can't loose it like a journal and two, writing always trumps getting on the treadmill or cleaning the kitchen!